This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize