why didn't you poke me back
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
