i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
