I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
