Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
