Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
