I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
