Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
