Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
