It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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