Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
