His pubic hair was longer than his dick
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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