the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
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