I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Let's get the cat blown out
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
