that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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