she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Just puked most of my soul out..
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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