Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
