He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I have aggressive nipples.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
