The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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