Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
