So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
