Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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