I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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