so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
