im drinking this country out of the recession.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
