2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Houston, we have a blender
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
