Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
