Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
