bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize