what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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