She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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