I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
