youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
