someone owes me an orgasm
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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