There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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