There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
