My first STD was from a foam party
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
