my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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