My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i drank out of a bidet.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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