Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
