You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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