What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize