ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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