if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
