glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
