Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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