in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
