he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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