I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You pole danced in your parka.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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