i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
