At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
