so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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