I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
