Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
